[Media prompt] One of the organizers [Linda Sarsour] of Saturday’s Women’s March on Washington identifies as a Palestinian Muslim, [and] has expressed support for Sharia law...
Sheik Mohammed Qurei the Magnificent, Supreme Head of the Rust Belt Caliphate and Exulted Mayor of the Dearborn Arab Emirates, attended Linda Sarsour’s trial himself. Eschewing his ceremonial robes, he instead came clothed in a simple keffiah and dishdasha, a message to ordinary citizens that in the eyes of Allah he was just a man, like all the others in court. In keeping with the spirit of restraint, only six members of the Republican Guard entered with him, securing most of the seats to ensure the legally proscribed distance between his Eminence and Caliphate subjects. Once Qurei was seated, Judge Ghedi called the defendant to the dock to answer the charge brought against her.
Linda Sarsour was aged and bent, and the fire of zealotry burning in her black eyes, noted in media reports during her younger days, was now all but extinguished. She hobbled to the front of the room and stood before the bench. The judge read out the charge, resisting and publicly complaining about a beating from her husband, adding that a man should not be questioned why he hit his wife.
Sarsour called her first witness. A low rumble of disquiet arose from those in attendance as a court official wheeled in a non-believer, albeit with hair covered. The judge raised his hand for silence, then reminded Sarsour that non-Muslim witnesses were considered unreliable and their testimony would receive no priority. Sarsour cleared her throat, but before she could begin her defence, Sheik Mohammed Qurei the Magnificent raised a finger. “Your Excellency?” the judge said, nodding deeply.
Sheik Mohammed Qurei the Magnificent pointed at the woman in the wheelchair. “Your name?”
“My name is Scarlett Johansson,” said the woman with a hint of defiance.
“And you are a Jew?”
The dead weight of silence descended on the room, all eyes fixed now on the woman’s face.
“Yes,” she said.
Judge Ghedi nodded to the Supreme Head: “Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.” There were murmurs of assent, for everyone in court knew the papers would put this exchange on the front page in the morning edition. Turning to Sarsour, the judge said, “In light of this, I will amend the earlier instruction. The testimony of a Jew is worth one third that of a Muslim.”
The woman in the wheelchair turned her tearful eyes towards Sarsour. As she was wheeled from the court, Johansson heard the judge deliver his verdict; imprisonment until death.